Trump to produce new range of fragrances

Donald Trump is to collaborate with daughter Ivanka to produce a new range of perfumes. The first daughter said "This new range reflects the important things in my father's life and reflect his...

Wankers now the majority of the public, scientists conclude.

A newly published report shows that 55% of the British public are tossers. Professor Onan Offtherist from the Rochdale Institute of Masturbatory Studies told us "We have proven that 11 out of 20 people you...

Couple spend entire evening on Netflix before deciding what film to watch at 1am

Johnny and Mary (not real names) are just your average suburban dwelling couple who work hard on the weekdays and like to relax in front of the telly watching a nice film. Sounds all...

Brainless moron shaves 30 seconds off his drive home by doing 70 through the...

One dickhead has been telling the Herald about how he has found a way to shave 30 seconds off the time it takes him to drive home. Brainless moron Ted Skeat said, "I first realised...
Shouting Man

I don’t shave cos I’m a Gillette John, claims Heil Vis clad Neon Nazi

Shaving that's a little too aggressive, or done with dull blades, can produce irritants which can form a rash right round your Parliament area.    "What it is right,...

Nothing says f*** you to a neighbour like a Leilandii hedge

Scientists at Rochdale College have discovered that nothing gets the message that you hate them across to your neighbour's more than a Leilandii hedge. Dr Frederick Seddon told us, "We looked at various means that...

Getting drunk and falling over is the real meaning of Christmas, says everyone

Heavy drinking from breakfast till unconsciousness has won the top spot in a national survey to discover what makes Christmas so special for the British public. Narrowly beating 'Two days off work' and 'Getting an...
British Homeopath

Herald lifestyle guides – How to be a New Hippy

Want to be a 21st century Hippie or is it Hippy? Do you remember the days when everything was far out, and the man was just a drag? Daylight hours where spent in bed underneath...

Herald life hacks: Get rich quick with… an inheritance

Experts say this is the best way to get ahead in life It's January, which means you likely have nothing but mince pie dust in your pockets after buying your loved ones everything they didn't...

Northerner brings Kraft Slices to cheese and wine party in Surrey

A disgraced Northerner has been barred from ever returning to the South, after he humiliated his sister at a bourgeoisie Cheese & Wine evening by bringing Kraft Slices as his artisanal choice. Northerner Gerry Ramsbuttocks...

Posh twit in gilet loses both arms to frostbite

Henry Charles Chomlomoly has been telling us how he's lost both his arms whilst out sledging. Harry told us, "Cripes, got up this morning and it was a white out so the kids wanted to...

What to do when your dog dies in your hot car

Summer is here and forecasters are predicting a heatwave in the coming weeks. With temperatures expected to hit 30oC the country will be awash with self-appointed dog wardens smashing their way into cars to...

‘Research confirms Coffee holds key to immortality’

There was good news for caffeine drinkers, addicts & nervous twitchers throughout the multiverse today, as stunning new research sensationally revealed that coffee holds the key to everlasting life. The benefits of coffee have long...

Rochdale Herald guide to the top ten books to read before you die

At the Rochdale Herald it's all about mindfulness and self improvement in January. In that spirit, we take a look at 10 books you should read before you die: 1) Razzle, April, 1988, Snooker Loopy Edition. This...

Scientists confirm autocorrect was inverted by a cult

A group of scientists have today confirmed what we have all long believed, that autocorrect was inverted by a cult. Professor Gerald Wiley spoke to the Rochdale Herald about the results. "The number of epic fools...

Men applaud new Gillette advert that features man carving his initials into girlfriends face...

A new advert for Gillette razors has been lauded by Piers Morgan as, "way better than all that social justice bollocks". Piers and many other single men with little...

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