Posh twit in gilet loses both arms to frostbite

Henry Charles Chomlomoly has been telling us how he's lost both his arms whilst out sledging. Harry told us, "Cripes, got up this morning and it was a white out so the kids wanted to...

Nothing says f*** you to a neighbour like a Leilandii hedge

Scientists at Rochdale College have discovered that nothing gets the message that you hate them across to your neighbour's more than a Leilandii hedge. Dr Frederick Seddon told us, "We looked at various means that...
Angry man, steam coming from ears

Man bored of virtue-signalling monthly initiatives launches ‘Punch In The Facepril’

A Rochdale man who has had enough of your shit with your 'Ocsober'; 'Mowvember' and 'Veganuary' has decided to punch you all in the face during April. "It's probably the most therapeutic thing possible."...

Rochdale Herald guide to the top ten books to read before you die

At the Rochdale Herald it's all about mindfulness and self improvement in January. In that spirit, we take a look at 10 books you should read before you die: 1) Razzle, April, 1988, Snooker Loopy Edition. This...

Some like it…NOT! Monroe fan’s £8k new look more like man’s best friend than...

French waiter Cyril Roux is a HUGE Marilyn Monroe fan. 'I guess you could say I'm addicted to injections,' mumbles Cyril Roux, a 32-year-old waiter from Toulon, through swollen lips that closely resemble a haemorrhoid...

Herald life hacks: Get rich quick with… an inheritance

Experts say this is the best way to get ahead in life It's January, which means you likely have nothing but mince pie dust in your pockets after buying your loved ones everything they didn't...

Brainless moron shaves 30 seconds off his drive home by doing 70 through the...

One dickhead has been telling the Herald about how he has found a way to shave 30 seconds off the time it takes him to drive home. Brainless moron Ted Skeat said, "I first realised...

Man dies of boredom after chance meeting with vegan who does CrossFit

A Rochdale man has died after being placed near a group of Gym buddies at a Christmas party. Horace Cope was rushed to hospital after a chance meeting with Jim Nasium, a noted Vegan nutritionist...

Rochdale Man’s attempt to iron his shirt declared a blazing success

Unbelievably, a Rochdale man has found the iron and ironing-board and pressed his Friday night drinking shirt, unaided. Last Friday, Alan Bloke (37) was due to meet his mates for a session when he...

Dry January downgraded to reduced drinking January

A Rochdale man has told us how he has revised plans to do dry January and will now be doing reduced drinking January instead. Bill Board spent New Years...

Men applaud new Gillette advert that features man carving his initials into girlfriends face...

A new advert for Gillette razors has been lauded by Piers Morgan as, "way better than all that social justice bollocks". Piers and many other single men with little...

Getting drunk and falling over is the real meaning of Christmas, says everyone

Heavy drinking from breakfast till unconsciousness has won the top spot in a national survey to discover what makes Christmas so special for the British public. Narrowly beating 'Two days off work' and 'Getting an...

Scientists confirm autocorrect was inverted by a cult

A group of scientists have today confirmed what we have all long believed, that autocorrect was inverted by a cult. Professor Gerald Wiley spoke to the Rochdale Herald about the results. "The number of epic fools...

Wankers now the majority of the public, scientists conclude.

A newly published report shows that 55% of the British public are tossers. Professor Onan Offtherist from the Rochdale Institute of Masturbatory Studies told us "We have proven that 11 out of 20 people you...
child

Complete sadist buys 2 year old nephew a keyboard for Christmas

A man from Rochdale has bought his nephew the gift of music for Christmas. Stan Still told us, "I've played in bands since I was 12 and think it's a great idea for kids to...
Theresa May

Theresa May urges parents to ‘eat their children’ given current political situation

Theresa May urges parents to 'eat their children' given current political situation. Prime Minister Theresa May has urged British parents to "eat your children" claiming that "It's the kindest thing to do" considering the state...

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