A liberal man has spoken today of his horror at being seconds away from becoming a Brexiteer.

Near-victim Webastian Sliesel told our reporter Sebastian Wiesel “It was horrendous. I was in Plymouth, which has a LibDem Council. So I thought I was in a ‘safe place’. I went into the Gog and Magog pub and was delighted to see it was ‘curry night’ and there was a delicious sounding roast cauliflower vegetarian option. It was incredibly reasonably priced and included a pint of free real ale. For £7.59. In my usual hipster joint you pay that for two thirds of a pint.”

He went on, “I saw they had the entire range of beers from South Hams Brewery on at under £2 a pint. I thought this was incredibly liberal pricing, making quality ale available to those on low income so it was only natural I had a pint of each of the range available. However I became increasingly aware of a large number of posters and flyers criticising Theresa May. This delighted me until I realised the context was actually pushing for a no-deal hard Brexit. At this point I fled, pausing only for a pint of delicious Otter brewery ale.”

“It was the closest of shaves. Two more pints and I’d have been at the point I might have considered Brexit was not a ham fisted clusterfuck.”

We spoke to a representative for Wetherspoons who told us, “He should have stuck around. It’s gammon night on a Thursday. Everyone comes in and has Gammon and pineapple then we all sit around watching Question Time chanting, “Give us Brexit now”.