child

Complete sadist buys 2 year old nephew a keyboard for Christmas

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A man from Rochdale has bought his nephew the gift of music for Christmas. Stan Still told us, "I've played in bands since I was 12 and think it's a great idea for kids to...

Rochdale Herald guide to the top ten books to read before you die

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At the Rochdale Herald it's all about mindfulness and self improvement in January. In that spirit, we take a look at 10 books you should read before you die: 1) Razzle, April, 1988, Snooker Loopy Edition. This...

Vegans to save UK billion man hours in tedious conversations by wearing hats saying...

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There is widespread jubilation amongst business leaders around the UK after bold plans to save a billion working man hours a week have been announced by the Institute of Vegans.

Just 126 sleeps until Xmas, says cat

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A local cat, Elvis Snoogums, has spoken of his excitement as Christmas gets ever closer. Speaking exclusively to the Rochdale Herald Elvis told us, "Soon my yooman will be putting up the big green plaything...
Woman walking through shopping crown

Rochdale captains of industry look forward to purchasing artisans at new Rochdale Artisan Market

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Local businessmen had their collective cocks in a hoop at the news that an Artisan Market is to be launched in Rochdale. "Following Brexit all my existing artisans will have to return to Polatia and...

Trump to produce new range of fragrances

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Donald Trump is to collaborate with daughter Ivanka to produce a new range of perfumes. The first daughter said "This new range reflects the important things in my father's life and reflect his...

Scientists confirm autocorrect was inverted by a cult

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A group of scientists have today confirmed what we have all long believed, that autocorrect was inverted by a cult. Professor Gerald Wiley spoke to the Rochdale Herald about the results. "The number of epic fools...
Shouting Man

I don’t shave cos I’m a Gillette John, claims Heil Vis clad Neon Nazi

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Shaving that's a little too aggressive, or done with dull blades, can produce irritants which can form a rash right round your Parliament area.    "What it is right, is I'm one of those Gillette...
Indian Family

Asian family enjoying post night out curry accused of ‘Cultural Appropriation’

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A British-Asian family came under intense fire today, after being accused of extreme 'cultural appropriation' from White groups, for enjoying a post pub curry at their local suburban Indian restaurant last weekend. The Sharma family,...

Man puts bins out

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Reports are emerging that a man in Rochdale has put his bins out. Stephen Dickinson of Fazzakerley Drive has put his green bin out on the kerb early to maximize social distancing. "It was the highlight...
Police

Grammar police call for tougher sentences

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Grammar police call for tougher sentences Campaigners are calling for grammar errors to be punished with tougher sentences - especially for repeat offenders. "There is to much grammar errors at the moment," said a...

Herald life hacks: Get rich quick with… an inheritance

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Experts say this is the best way to get ahead in life It's January, which means you likely have nothing but mince pie dust in your pockets after buying your loved ones everything they didn't...

Nothing says f*** you to a neighbour like a Leilandii hedge

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Scientists at Rochdale College have discovered that nothing gets the message that you hate them across to your neighbour's more than a Leilandii hedge. Dr Frederick Seddon told us, "We looked at various means that...

Gillette admit razors not suitable for sensitive skin

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International razor brand Gillette has admitted that after years of investment, their product is not suitable for the delicate skin of the modern day manchild Despite introducing blade, after blade, after blade, the company has...

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