Rochdale man Stan Still is just a short step away from buying skinny red jeans according to his girlfriend.

Alga Rithem, Stan’s partner for the last 25 tears, told us, “I don’t know where this has come from. I thought he was talking about a new car. A Passat or something. I personally prefer a Bora. But the other night he came home and told me he was going to cook. I was ecstatic at first. He’s never cooked before.

“He did meat balls and pasta or, polpette alla Roma as he kept insisting it was called in Italy. He made this huge thing about the Marinara sauce being made from passata. I thought fish with meatballs would be horrible but it turns out marinara sauce is just tomato sauce with a poncey name.”

Stan then suprised his girlfriend whipping out his gigantic head of garlic which he roasted before adding to his sauce.

“It’s terrible because ever since that day he’s insisted on ordering things in Italian. In Pizza Express last week he says ‘Mi Potrei due Peroni per favore’.

“The waiter had no idea what he was on about and bought a bottle of olive oil over. Turns out he was trying to order beer.”

It’s also affected Stan’s love of football. “He insists on pronouncing all the Spanish names with a lisp. Barthelona and such like. He came a cropper the other day though when he shouted ‘COME ON THITY’.”

Ms Rithem is now very concerned for Stan.

“He’s talking about growing a beard and he wants to put his hair up in a man bun. The other day I saw him eyeing up some bright red skinny jeans. I’ve no idea where he’s going to wear them everyone will think he’s either a ponce, a Hipster or a socialist. I’m not sure which one I’d rather it be.”

It’s unclear where Alga sees her future but Stan was seen pricing up bedsits in Ancoats yesterday afternoon.

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.