Scientists at Rochdale College have discovered that nothing gets the message that you hate them across to your neighbour’s more than a Leilandii hedge.

Dr Frederick Seddon told us, “We looked at various means that neighbour’s have that tell people they hate them. One elderly gentleman would begin gardening at 6:30 am on a Sunday morning whilst his neighbour’s tried to have a lie in. Another man would let his kid’s trampoline for hours on end and a family would leave their dog to bark for 8 hours a day. In the end though buying a Lelandii hedge was the most popular way of telling your neighbour’s you hate them.”

Dr Seddon went on, “Leilandii is excellent as it costs very little initially to set up. Within a day it’s grown so high you can’t see the roof of the neighbour’s house anymore. You can also get a professional gardener to come in and style it for you. One lady would send messages to her neighbour’s by getting a gardener to carve it into her bush. Another advantage is that it’s almost impossible to get rid of.”

It’s understood that the study did reveal some odd behaviours. Dr Seddon said, “One man would go home earlier from work each Wednesday afternoon. He would then set up a smoke machine and disco lights in his spare bedroom. He put a table and a barstool in front of a full length mirror. He would put a blouse and wig on and sit drinking in front of the mirror pretending he was talking to a woman in a bar.”

It’s understood that the second most effective way of telling your neighbour’s you hate them is to invite them round in the evening and attempt to sell them Aloe Vera based diet products. According to the findings from Rochdale College such behavior led to an entire street of people buying Leilandii.


Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.