Pubs that describe themselves as family friendly say they intend to ban single men from their premises at weekends.

Parent Cindy “Everyone’s a pedo” Maguire said, “Last week we went to the pub with the kids. There was this bloke just sat by himself sinking pints. Call it female intuition, but, I could tell he was eyeing up our Britney.”

Sarah “They’re everywhere” Evans said, “It’s a known fact that paedophiles hang out in pubs to meet children. All single men should be banned. They’re only here for the under 10’s.”

Cliff “Definitely not a paedophile” Smith said, “I was sat there and this woman came in. I kept looking at her because I couldn’t work out if it was a man or a woman. Then she complained about sexual harassment. Definitely a woman.”

Barman Dan Froggatt said, “We need to make people who only drink on a Saturday or Sunday afternoon feel comfortable. That’s why we need to kick depressed single men who drink alone out. So we can have a pub full of people who are going to order 1 pint, then spend 40 minutes deciding which of these crumby fruit soft drinks they’re going to order.

“I’ve started slipping Cocaine into the kids drinks and ecstasy into their mothers drinks. It’s funny watching them run riot.”

Weekend dad, Wayne McGregor said, “What the hell am I supposed to do at weekends now? I take Frascati to the pub, buy a bag of crisps and a Fanta, leave her in the car and watch the footy. Now I’ll have to do stuff at weekends.”

It’s understood that the initiative is expected to lead to and increase in pubs full of gaudy, plastic rubbish as they attempt to cater to their new clientele of discerning 6 year olds.

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.