Tributes have been paid to Gregor McGregor, Scotland’s oldest man who died today aged 35. 

An angry man with an impenetrable accent told us, “It’s with great sadness that news reaches us of McGregor’s passing. He was a fascinating man whose memories of mullets and shell suits will live on in those of us still around. He could remember the Today Newspaper being published, a more innocent time when Scotland qualified for an international football tournament. He worked for many years in the cut throat world of Desktop Publishing.”

Interviewed last year, Mr McGregor put his extraordinary longevity down to his daily diet and exercise routine. “Well I deep fry everything, even my shoes and I wash it all down with Irn Bru mixed with Whyte & MacKay. And I like to get out everyday for some exercise with my mobility scooter. It’s been much harder ever since some Ned’s stole the battery from outside McColl’s though.”

Mr McGregor also revealed that he’d given up heroin several years ago. He told us, “I felt at 24 that I was getting a bit long in the tooth for all that so I gave it up. I think I’ve got at least an extra decade out. I do miss injecting the black stuff into my urethra though not the searing pain when I go to the toilet.”

A small child we interviewed to pad this article out a bit told us, “When I grow up I want to be like McGregor and live to 35. My ambition is to live to be old enough to have a prostate examination.”

Mr McGregor will be cremated on Tuesday with his burning body being used to warn passing ships about rocks on the coast where he lives.

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.