Couples who call each other Mummy and Daddy have been told by the authorities to pack it the fuck in or be faced with having their toenails removed with pliers and being fed to wild dogs.

The practice of husbands and wives calling each other Mummy and Daddy is often associated with shopping at Cath Kidson, buying scented candles and men’s penises falling off.

“You’ve got admit it’s a bit weird.” Professor Gordon Spot of Rochdale Community University’s Things That Make Your Shit Itch Department told The Rochdale Herald.

“It’s usually associated with having young children and can lead to debilitating conditions such as being mental and ruining your finances by buying a Bugaboo pram.”

“I’m always surprised that couples who do call each other Mummy and Daddy have children in the first place. They’re obviously asexual beings who have no genitalia like Ken and Barbie. It’s just a blank space where their fun bits should be.”

“If you’re not careful you could find yourself going on ‘holibobs’ in Devon, saying ‘sleeps’ instead of days and buying a cockapoo.”

Cath Kidston was unavailable for comment.

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.