Boris Johnson’s girlfriend has apparently told a befuddled Boris Johnson that leave means leave during a heated row at her flat in the early hours of this morning.

Despite explaining that “leave” means “get out” several times Mr Johnson is still in the flat demanding access to all of her utilities, the food in her fridge and her vagina.

“Just because Mr Johnson will no longer be in a relationship with Ms Symonds it doesn’t mean he can’t enjoy all the benefits of being in a relationship with Ms Symonds.” A spokesman for Boris Johnson told The Rochdale Herald.

“Obviously he’s still going to enjoy tariff free access to blowjobs and will continue to enjoy staying in the flat whenever he wants rent free without making a contribution to either rent, utilities or council tax.”

“Saying that Mr Johnson would have to remain in the relationship to get free blowjobs, rent free accommodation and three square meals a day is just remoaner nonsense.”

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.