Iain Duncan Smith, MP for Chingford and Woodford Green, says strict investiture rules mean he could be forced to wait as long as six weeks for his knighthood.

Duncan Smith, said that when he first contacted the Department for Undeserved Honours, they said they couldn’t do anything about his situation and that he would have to fill in a form online. 

“I’m 65,” said Duncan Smith, “I can only type with one finger in each hand, and the one on the right is reserved for jabbing into the bin man’s chest when they pick up on a different day.  I couldn’t get through the festive period without that.”

With help from wife Betsy, Duncan Smith eventually filled in the form, only for the system to reject it.  He called for an explanation but was told his form could not be accepted due to critical errors.

“When they put the phone down, I was left there sitting on my bed crying.  They said the computer would only authorise forms from applicants with a single surname and that they did not have any ability to override it.”

“I was thinking what now?  They won’t give me a title loan, they said someone may be in the office to look at it in the New Year.  But in the meantime, I’ve got a Woodford Green steakhouse that wants to rename its sirloin Sir Iain, am I supposed to tell them to wait?”

“I work so hard only for this to happen.  It makes me question what I’m working for,” said Duncan Smith, “How are you expected to manage?  I feel like there is no support out there.”

Members of the public have set up this petition to help speed up the process.

Like many satirists, Johnny Wapping accepts he is an arsehole, and thinks society could be better if we were all willing to accept what arseholes we are. If you see him on Facebook, why not ask if he's read the article?