The people of the United Kingdom took a collective gasp today, Wednesday 1st of April, as Boris Johnson announced he would be stepping down.

“This morning,” the Prime Minister announced from self isolation inside number 10 Downing Street, “my hand has been forced.

“Since testing positive for Covid-19, I have been in self isolation. Drastic times call for drastic measures and in this time of national emergency I feel there is nothing else to do but step down into the wine cellar and get my own bottle of Chateau Lafite.

“The staff won’t come anywhere bloody near me.”