A crowdfunding campaign set up to raise enough money for a copy of Bravo Two Zero and a man size box of tissues for Mark Francois has been declared a rip roaring success. 

Campaign organiser, Bill Board told us, “Frankly we didn’t expect it to be this successful. Within an hour we’d reached the £9.99 total we wanted to reach. Now we’ve got so much money we’ll be able to buy copies for all of Boris’s kids. It just goes to show, give people enough sentimental nonsense about loving your country and you can get them to do anything that isn’t in their interests.”

Francois is alleged to have been totally elated. One spokesman told us, “He flicked to the bit where they take on that Iraqi Army Division. He then went away and we haven’t seen him since.”

Francois rarely talks about his military experiences but it’s been alleged he served in the First World War. A spokesman said, “He served with a Major Sharpe at the Battle of the Somme. As a member of an elite machine gun battalion he helped inflict the highest number of casualties the British Army has ever experienced in one day. He also earned the Iron Cross at Omaha beach when the Americans stormed it.”

Mr Francois is believed to be planning spending this evening attempting to convince women he’s James Bond.

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.