Susan Boyle to sing Dead Kennedys ‘Too Drunk To F*ck’ at Trump Inauguration

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In a last ditch attempt to find a "celebrity" to perform at Trump's Inauguration Scottish songstress and Britain's Got Talent sensation Susan Boyle (aka 'The Hairy Cornflake') has been approached by the president-soon-to-be's office...
Putin Trump

Trump and Putin secret G20 meeting beyond ‘Netflix and Chill’

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Reports ejaculating out of Hamburg indicate that the secret meeting between President Trump and Vladimir Putin transcended sharing a duvet and gorging on Hagen-Daaz. The White House has U-turned on its decision to disclose information...

Campaign to crowdfund a copy of Bravo Two Zero and box of tissues for...

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A crowdfunding campaign set up to raise enough money for a copy of Bravo Two Zero and a man size box of tissues for Mark Francois has been declared a rip roaring success.  Campaign organiser,...

Remoaners trounce nimbys in self-interest cock off

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Earlier this year the Gazillionaire Tory, Zac Goldsmith, resigned from his post as MP for Richmond Park in order to cost taxpayers a shitload of money for a by-election. “I am resigning as a Conservative...

World leaders tackle climate change with massive party and flights home on private jets

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The world's elite gave their 100% commitment to climate change this Monday by having a colossal piss up then returning to all corners of the globe in their own private jets. With climate change very...

More Guardian Subscriptions Cancelled Over Fresh Crossword Slur

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Following yesterday's scandal that saw literally units of enraged Scotts cancelling their subscriptions, The Guardian's simple crossword this morning poured fresh fuel onto the flames by insinuating that their beloved figurehead Nicola "Wee Jimmy"...

We’re not racist we want fewer white Polish faces too, Brexiters tell Vince...

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Brexiters have taken umbrage at Vince Cable's suggestion that they'd like to see more white faces. Cliff Edge, a red man who normally speaks in capital letters and puts his ruddy complexion down to a...
Paul Nuttall

Paul Nuttall Demands Return To Ice Age

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Historians specialising in migration to the British Isles have confirmed that Paul Nuttall actually got something technically right after his Women’s Hour interview this morning. “He claimed on LBC that before migration our fruit was...
Corbyn Shape The Future

Labour leader confirms that he has a plan to break the country as well...

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Jeremy Corbyn has closed this year’s Labour conference with a rousing speech to his Corbynista fans explaining his plans for an entirely fictitious and hypothetical Labour Government. In his speech he confirmed that the...
Theresa May

Theresa May accused of muttering in parliament “fuck em, let em starve”

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Theresa May was accused of muttering the words "fuck em, let em starve" in parliament on Wednesday. May appeared to mutter the words during a debate in the Commons about whether or not orphaned children...
Wetherspoons

Brexit Party Manifesto a Wetherspoon’s menu with curry crossed out with crayon

The Brexit Party has finally unveiled their much anticipated election manifesto ahead of the EU elections.  To much fanfare the document has been revealed to be a copy of a Wetherspoon's lunch menu with both...
Lego

Proposed Irish border solution scattered Lego bricks and sign saying ‘please remove shoes’

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Brexit negotiations have hit a "a real problem" over the issue of the Irish border, government sources have confirmed today. Hopes of a breakthrough were raised today when Brexit secretary, Dominic Raab, announced that a...
Mark Garnier

What’s wrong with asking your secretary to buy you a dildo, asks complete dildo

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The king of Dildos and soon to be former International Trade Minister Mark Garnier is to investigated over a potential breach of the ministerial code after he admitted to asking a former parliamentary aide to buy him a dildo

Extinction Rebellion glue themselves to new Brexit deal

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In a disastrous move for Boris Johnson, a member of climate protest group Extinction Rebellion have glued themselves to the newly negotiated Brexit deal. White, dreadlocked protestor Fennel Mulberry-Moonstone aged 35 from Totnes is thought...
God is love sign

Ethnic cleanliness next to Godliness according to the DUP

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The DUP were apparently acknowledging today the new opportunities opening up to them, with some pleasure. DUP spokesmuppet Seamus Allways  said "This is orr moment in history, so it is. We now have the parrr...
Theresa May

Theresa May breaks fingernail as her grip on power weakens

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Government manicurists today rushed to Theresa May's aid following a nail injury, frantically claiming it was merely "chipped varnish". As finger after taloned finger slips from the precipice, purchases of fake nails have sky...

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