A radioactive spider was rushed to the vets today after biting Boris Johnson and subsequently becoming a massive arsehole.

Apparently after biting Mr Johnson the spider immediately fathered 2000 children with several lady spiders. It was then seen kicking it’s spider friends off high ledges before sliding down and getting stuck on it’s own silk thread. Where it sat, looking stupid and having to be rescued by the ants.

The spider was reported to have been at an Audi dealership attempting to purchase a TT Coupe. But it was turned away after breaking their customer cuntometer. The dealership told us; “Audi is the marque of c*ntishness, but SpiderBoris scared even us”.

The spider was eventually captured and sent to the vets for checks after dipping it’s legs in ink and writing a load of nationalist bollocks on a wall.

Mr Johnson, who was visiting a deserted nuclear facility at the request of Theresa May, is said to have not felt the bite. Or indeed anything for at least last 20 years.