After what critics are calling a feeble effort to tackle childhood obesity the government is now in hot water again as it transpired that cabinet meetings, after the recess, are to be sponsored by Tate & Lyle.

“This move is about nothing more than saving the taxpayers money,” said Lyle Tate, a senior civil servant from the cabinet office who spoke to us this morning, “These insinuations that the fine, pure, and family favourite Tate & Lyle that’s as good in a cuppa as it is your grandma’s cakes has influenced the government are ludicrous!”

The government also stands accused of being influenced by cereal companies. How does the government respond?

“We are entirely independent from these trusted friends of the nutritious start to the day. We take grrrrrrrrrrrrrEAT offence at any suggestion otherwise.”

And the fizzy drinks industry?

“The idea that we’ve Schweppes some deal under the carpet is preposterous. Now if you will excuse me; you’re not the only one I have to speak to today. I have 7Up stairs.”

Rumours that Boris Johnson has a Silverspoon in his mouth or wears a syrup were also denied.

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.