ISLAMIC State has claimed responsibility for the terrible event that has left the entire cabinet fighting for their careers in Manchester yesterday evening.

The terror group’s Amaq agency said in a statement that the men and women who organised the event were members of the death cult, but definitely not members of the international terror group, the Conservative Party.

The statement said: “A detachment of Islamic State event managers carried out the audacious conference which has destroyed the last vestiges of Theresa May’s credibility.”

The attackers wrote Boris’s jokes, Theresa May’s speech and arranged for all the letters to fall off the wall behind the Prime Minister during her main conference address in an audacious display of comic timing.

The Prime Minister said Britain “cannot and must not pretend that things can continue as they are”, and declared “enough is enough”.

Labour leader Jeremy Corbyn used a speech at his allotment after the conference to castigate Mrs May for pinching some of his policies;

Speaking about the horrific event, he added: “Our priority must be public safety and I will take whatever action is necessary and effective to protect the security of our people and our country. If I ever get elected. I’m not actually the Prime Minister, you do know that? Do you mind? I need to get back to my Brussel Sprouts.”

This week’s incident was the fourth terror attack in less than three months and by far and away the funniest.

Rapidly losing territory in Iraq and Syria to an offensive backed by the US-led coalition, ISIS sent out a call on the Telegram messaging app Saturday urging its followers to carry out attacks on “Conservatives” with well thought out practical jokes, whoopee cushions and rickety stage sets.

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.