Conservative Christmas Party cancelled after failing to negotiate piss up deal with brewery

There was despair throughout the Conservative Party today after government officials announced that the annual Christmas do has been cancelled. The news comes after many months of negotiations between Downing Street and Marston's Brewery collapsed...

UKIP thrilled to hold onto Question Time Seat

Whichever bloke is in charge of UKIP responded this morning to UKIP's collapse at the local elections last night by saying it wasn't all bad news because they'd held on to their Question Time seat. "I'm...
Pot to piss in

Conservatives pledge ‘free pots’ for poor to piss in

In the latest Tory manifesto promise benefit claimants and people earning less than minimum wage are to be sent a free chamber pot. Current Work and Pensions Secretary, Iain Crabb Green, said; "This is a fantastic opportunity...

Scientists admit Rees-Mogg is experiment to create the perfect twat

There was mild surprise today, as the lid was blown off a secret program revealing that Tory MP Jacob Rees-Mogg was the product of an experiment to engineer 'the perfect twat'. Whistleblowers have revealed that...
Theresa May

Get behind my shit deal or we won’t be able to do dreadful thing,...

Theresa May has urged MP's to get behind her awful Brexit plan or risk not being able to have Brexit. With many people warning that it's a really stupid...

DUP offer to support May if she kicks Bishop Brennan up the arse

The Democratic Unionist Party has offered to support Theresa May's minority government on the condition that she kicks Bishop Brennan up the arse, according to a Government source. Following a disastrous general election for the...

Wolverhampton and Dudley will declare independence from the West Midlands ‘in a matter of...

Wolverhampton & Dudley will declare independence from the West Midlands in a matter of days, the leader of the autonomous region has told the Rochdale Herald. Following a heated meeting on Sunday at Mad O'Rourke's...
Paul Nuttall

Nuttall pulls out of Stoke by-election

NHS hating, pathological liar and leader of UKIP, Paul Nuttall, has today pulled out of the Stoke by-election after it was revealed that his remaining close personal friends were killed in the Swedish terror attack...

Jeremy Corbyn under investigation after making vicar’s daughter cry during hustings

Leftist wheat-eater Jeremy Corbyn came under fire from his own back-benchers today, after being accused of making a girl cry, and not just any girl, but a vicar's daughter, of all people. The accusations that...

‘One is married to Philip’ Queen reminds Public who think Trump too racist for...

Over 1.8 million Britons have signed a petition to deny a State Visit to nylon-haired snake-oil salesman and part-time President, Donald Trump.  The petition insists that Trump's racism, sexism and general vulgarity would cause embarrassment...
Jeremy Corbyn

Jeremy Corbyn demands General Election so voters can choose between Brexit or Brexit

Jeremy Corbyn has demanded that the Government call a General Election in order that the public can choose between his insane version of Brexit or the Governments. A spokesman...

London celebrates first “Gammon Pride” event

Scotland Yard and the Met Police are bracing for potential violent clashes at a "Gammon Pride" event being held in London today. The event will see gammons from all over the country converge on London...
Daleks

Daleks to replace ‘exterminate’ slogan with ‘strong and stable’ for 2049 re-election bid.

?Speaking from a neutral zone hyperdock, leader of the New Dalek Empire Theres- Sorry, Dalek Sec, said today that the bid for re-election in 2049 will be spear-headed by a new slogan, one more...
Letterbox

Boris Johnson looks like a c*nt, say letterboxes

Letterboxes around the UK have stood by their remarks about the Boris Johnson after the Post Office chairman asked them to apologise. There is broad cross party support for letterboxes who have been criticised by...
Conservative Party

ISIS claim responsibility for Conservative Party Conference

The attackers wrote Boris’s jokes, Theresa May’s speech and arranged for all the letters to fall off the wall behind the Prime Minister during her main conference address in an audacious display of comic timing.
David Davis

David Davis replaced as Brexit negotiator by two short planks

The government announced this morning that Chief Brexit negotiator David Davis is to be replaced by two short planks. It's believed the replacement of Mr. Davis with a pair of stout pieces of wood will...

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