The Democratic Unionist Party has offered to support Theresa May’s minority government on the condition that she kicks Bishop Brennan up the arse, according to a Government source.
Following a disastrous general election for the Prime Minister, which left her eight seats short of an overall majority, she has been forced to rely on the cooperation of Northern Ireland’s DUP, a party with views so hateful and regressive they make Katie Hopkins sound like a bleeding-heart liberal snowflake.
“We initially asked if she could publicly denounce the Pope and demand that he be brought to the Tower of London for public execution, but they weren’t up for that,” said DUP spokesman, Martin Fluteblower.
“We then asked if we could build a massive celebratory bonfire outside the gates of Buckingham Palace, using tyres seized from the cars of gays and abortion doctors, but they turned that down as well. We eventually settled on the Bishop Brennan thing because it’s low-key but still involves a bit of mindless violence against a Catholic, which we’re big fans of. We were going to ask if she could spit on Richard Dawkins whilst she was doing it, but we didn’t want to push our luck.”
Although the time and location of the assault have yet to be confirmed, Fluteblower provided that May will be asked to film the incident and shout “Len, you’re a big eejit!” during the run-up.
“It’s nice to finally be part of mainstream British politics, so it is,” he added. “Tonight we’re going to party like it’s 1799!”