Her Majesty the Queen is expected to travel to Berlin later today to ask German Chancellor Angela Merkel to form a government for the United Kingdom.

This morning the royal spokesperson stated,

“With such a pathetic conservative majority, headed by an incompetent and lack luster shadow cabinet, her Highness was forced to say no to Theresa May’s request to form a government this morning.”

“Instead her royal majesty will cut out the middle man so to speak, travel directly to Berlin and formally ask Chancellor Merkel to just form the UK government and save us all a summer of chaos.”

It is believed that the prospect of not only a vasty reduced Conservative majority at the Brexit negotiating table, but also the chance the Democratic Unionist Party joining in a coalition has forced HRH hand.

“Her Majesty the Queen can stomach the NHS, schools and public services being swept away, but the thought of those bible thumping, gay hating, climate change deniers swanning through Westminster is abhorrent to her.” Said the royal aide.

It was unclear at that point if the aide was still talking about the DUP or Tory MPs who rose with May to power.

An inside source at Balmoral told the Herald,

“Liz said I’ll dance naked in front of Diana’s tomb, singing “Candle In The Wind” before I let those orange zealots step foot in the palace!”

The Herald contacted Downing street and have been given the following statement form Theresa May’s aide:

“Mrs May welcomes HRH decision to spare her from 2 years of debilitating humiliation and punishment at the hands of the EU brexit negotiations. She hopes that the German Chancellor will take pity and perform a swift coup de grace, before moving on to educate the rest of the nation on the importance of EU rule.”

19th century vegetable highwayman/ satirist. Likes: the sound of a solitary house fly loitering hectically around his ear and the feeling of a warm toilet seat. Favourite topic: writing about political intrigue involving biscuits.