The Secretary of State for Defence has left colleagues at the Cabinet stunned when he sent a memo slating all of them at once.

In the memo sent out to his colleagues in the Cabinet, Michael Fallon wrote: “There is a difference between giving up and knowing when you have had enough. I have had enough and realise I cannot work with you, you utter shower of shit, a moment longer.”

Mr Fallon said that he was pursuing his dream of “doing anything but this, even if I have to shop myself for being a ‘bit handsy’ to get it done.”

Cabinet members were told not to return to work on Monday morning, with the memo reading, “gates are now closed and will not open so you can stay in your scratchers Monday and have a lie in”.

It said: “There comes a time in any relationship when you have to say f*** it, say goodbye and move on.”

It is believed that Mr Fallon is instead to take over the leadership of Nippy Buses which he describes as “a much healthier working environment with much nicer people”

The company website currently says that Nippy Bus has “ceased operational activity with immediate effect, 29th October 2017” but Mr Fallon is believed to have bought a baked-bean stained fleece jacket and some whisky smelling trousers and will soon be driving the Number 37 route in Somerset.

He told reporters “Some people think Nippy Buses is a bad place to work, but they should try turning up every day and having to listen to a combination of Theresa May’s nasal whining and Boris Johnson actually farting through his mouth – now is that a single or a return?”