In an historic address to the nation this evening, People’s Supremo Boris ‘BloJo’ Johnson outlined the roadmap back to the new normality that opposition MPs have been crying out for these past seven weeks.
Key points include a ‘back to work, back to reality’ (the reality of succumbing to a deadly virus) policy for poor people, specifically those in the manufacturing and construction industries (who, confusingly, were already allowed to keep working under the current restrictions), but only on the condition that they they don’t use public transport to get to work, unless of course they rely on public transport to get to work, which many of them do, in which case the jury is still out.
Slightly richer people are encouraged to keep working from home, but are now allowed out more to exercise and infect each other, for which they will now be fined double, an amount that will be reduced by 50% if they remain ALERT for the invisible and practically undetectable threats that can now be monitored by a personally invasive app that hasn’t been beta tested but might be rolled out at some point.
Metropolitan commuters are still advised NOT to lick the ‘stop’ button on London buses, at least for the time being. This draconian restriction on our and YOUR personal liberties is expected to be phased out by July, when some restaurants will be allowed to reopen as long as strict social distancing is observed, ensuring that no food is at any point ordered or consumed. Or prepared and served.
Heartening news though came via the fact that we have only reached Danger-Apocalypse-Fan/Faeces-Interaction-Scenario Level Four, in spite of having the worst death toll in Europe and second worst in the world. This is in part thanks to our having left the EU so are no longer considered among European figures, otherwise we would now have inevitably reached Level 42, and would have had to suffer the sight and sound of BloJo attemting funk slap-bass to a medley of 80s chart hits as an accompaniment to that epic car crash of an announcement. Viewers noted an apparent thankfulness for small mercies.
In other news, the pollen count today was high, the sperm count low, and the R number was up from R1 to a thundering Geoffrey Rush Hamming It Up In Pirates Of The Caribbean V: Dead Men Tell No Tales (i.e. RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR).
Finally, the Prime Monster told a nation puse with breath so baited it could have caught a Koi Carp that ALL passengers arriving on Blighty’s sacred shores will be subject to a quarantine period.
Unless they’re arriving from Ireland.
And not just yet.
Well, that’s ok then.