Priti Patel, Minister for whatever the heck it is she does has been one of the first Government Ministers to congratulate Boris Johnson and Carrie Symonds on the birth of their son.

Ms Patel, who could barely conceal her happiness as she grinned through her statement said, “I’d just like to congratulate Boris on the arrival of his 3001005789th child. It’s a very happy occasion. I hope he’s a very masculine child and am looking forward to meeting him at my next candlelit supper.”

A spokesman for Boris Johnson told us, “We’ve no idea where Boris is. On hearing Priti congratulate him on his 3001005789th child the colour drains from his face. He looked like one of those ancient Greek blokes who’ve just finished the pudding course and told the executioner to bring on the Hemlock. He was last seen heading to Iceland. Not the country mind, the frozen food supermarket.”

Elsewhere, it’s not just Boris Johnson that is celebrating a birth. There were unconfirmed rumours that Kim Jong Un was delivered of a baby boy over the weekend. A rumour denied by North Korean officials who said he’d just had a larger than normal dump. There have been rumours about the North Korean leader for 2 weeks with some speculating he’s locked himself away as he grows out a poorly executed lock down haircut.

Dominic Raaaab will stand in at PMQ’s today just as soon as he finds the front door to his house.

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.