Man kills woman

A woman has been killed by a man, make sure you use passive voice, the article is going to be about the woman This article is for the use of tabloid writers when a woman...

Conservative Christmas Party cancelled after failing to negotiate piss up deal with brewery

There was despair throughout the Conservative Party today after government officials announced that the annual Christmas do has been cancelled. The news comes after many months of negotiations between Downing Street and Marston's Brewery collapsed...

BBC bans racist song White Christmas

The BBC working on advice from Institute for Cultural Correctness has announced that the song, White Christmas is to be banned. Spokeswoman for the perpetually offender, Rita Right-on told us, "When you analyse the lyrics...
Chris Grayling

Chris Grayling wins Turner Prize for dystopian work “Railway Timetable in May”

The Turner Prize committee has announced that this year's prize will be awarded to Chris Grayling for his dystopian work, "Railway Timetable in May". A committee member told us, "This work is profound. There is...

Kevin the Carrot beheaded by Muslims.

Popular TV carrot Kevin was among a bag of carrots snatched from the Oldham branch of Aldi by ruthless Muslim gang the 'Iqbal family'. The gang carried out the audacious snatch at lunchtime yesterday, making...

Just 126 sleeps until Xmas, says cat

A local cat, Elvis Snoogums, has spoken of his excitement as Christmas gets ever closer. Speaking exclusively to the Rochdale Herald Elvis told us, "Soon my yooman will be putting up the big green plaything...

Dipshit to argue with Thicko about terrible idea

A thicko has accepted a dipshit's challenge of a debate on the telly to sort of discuss how best to implement a dreadful idea. The thicko had previously claimed he couldn't do the debate because...
hummus

Northern supermarket to trial hummus

News is breaking that a well-known northern supermarket is to start selling hummus at some stores at some point in 2021. It is thought that Booths in Preston is planning the bold move to branch...

UKIP appoint woman who put that cat in wheelie bin as advisor on cat...

The collection of gammon faced halfwits known as the UK Independence party has appointed the internationally famous cat abuser Mary Bale as an advisor on cat welfare issues. Mary will advise Gerard whathisface, this week's...
Asda

Black Friday riots as Asda sell trolleys for £1

Riot police had to be called to a Rochdale Asda today following a bout of civil disorder. Heavy discounts meant customers could purchase trolleys for £1. A Black Friday sale on trolleys saw customers fighting...
Jeremy Corbyn

“We can’t stop Brexit without a strong opposition”, says old hippy who keeps forgetting...

Jeremy Corbyn has taken time out from his busy schedule of avoiding anybody not singing, "Oh, Jeremy Corbyn" to prove he's still alive and he is in fact the opposition. Mr Corbyn appeared after definitely...

Brexiteer speaks of shock at discovering Britain is an island

Brexit Secretary Dominic Raab has been speaking of his discovery that Britain is an island today. Speaking to the media Mr Raaab said, "People have been telling me how important the ports are for trade....
Dog Window

Dog who wanted to go outside immediately wants to come back in

A dog who has spent the last hour and a half peering longingly through the patio doors at the garden is now peering longingly into the living room from the garden after spending fifteen...

Weight lifting record smashed at Vegan Olympics as competitor lifts his arms above head

Records have been tumbling all week at the very first running of The Vegan Olympics taking place in Turkey. The first big record smashed was by American athlete, Slim Jim Tomkins who successfully lifted both...
Nick Clegg

Facebook will always be free for students, promises Nick Clegg

Following the news that Nick Clegg has been hired by Facebook it has been announced that the platform will absolutely, definitely, always be free to use for students. The 51 year old former 'politician' was...

Anger as ‘sexy Anjem Choudary’ costume outsells ‘sexy Tommy Robinson’ costume for first time

There were angry reactions across the UK today after it was revealed that a popular 'slutty Tommy Robinson' Halloween costume has been outsold by a 'slutty Anjem Choudary' costume for the first time. The figures, released...

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