Home Authors Posts by Dick Turnip

Dick Turnip

19th century vegetable highwayman/ satirist. Likes: the sound of a solitary house fly loitering hectically around his ear and the feeling of a warm toilet seat. Favourite topic: writing about political intrigue involving biscuits.
Red moon

Northerners scared by red moon consult wise woman and prepare sacrifices

Looking outside last night millions of British citizens were confronted by the moon appearing enlarged and glowing a curious red. Whilst most people south of...
Boris the Clown

Boris resigns to spend more time in storm drain beckoning to children

Boris Johnson has resigned from his position as foreign secretary today, and has returned to his natural role as a malevolent entity which preys...
Water Company

Follow Burnley’s example and shower less often, water companies urge Britain

The recent heatwave shows no sign of abating with another four weeks of sunshine forecast by the Met Office. A hosepipe ban has been enacted...

Fears of bush fire on Saddleworth moor causing huge smoke cloud actually vaping Hipster

For three days smoke has filled the skies above north Manchester as Saddleworth moor has been seemingly ablaze, leaving North Manchester covered in a...
Tommy Robinson

Muslims should respect our laws, says racist in prison for breaking our laws

Today crowds of nearly a few dozen have gathered outside Downing Street armed with Placards stating "free are Tommy" and two Netto bags full...
Family roast dinner

RSPCA urges pet owners to at least season with salt and pepper before leaving...

In the current heat wave the RSPCA has urged pet owners to undertake special precautionary measures when traveling with their furry friends this bank...
Kanye West

Fred and Rose distance themselves from Kanye

The solicitor for the notorious murderers Fred and Rose West have released a statement saying that Mrs West and her deceased husband are 'in...
Kate and William

Royal baby has already earned more than you

The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have left hospital after increasing the burden on the taxpayer for a third time. The new prince, who was...
organ donors

Everybody who needs new kidney to get one as fair weather motorcyclists venture outside

The recent heat wave has meant that part-time riders and fair weather Valentino Rossi wannabes are venturing into the garage to wheel out their...

Colonists on LV-426 excited after discovery of Easter eggs

Colonists on the Terraforming, research and mining colony Hadley's Hope have discovered what appears to be a large amount of Easter eggs in a...

Druids “fecking knackered” after moving Stonehenge an hour forward

With the season now officially spring, clocks up and down the nations have been moved forward one hour to adjust to British Summer Time;...
Putin 2

Russian presidential candidates have families safely returned in wake of Putin’s re-election

The families of all seven Russian Presidential candidates have been returned safely after the totally unexpected landslide victory for Vladimir Putin. Today Vladimir Putin has...
live band

Band at every live gig is having loads more fun than audience

According to experts who have been to gigs every band in the world is definitely having more fun than the audience. "Standing ankle deep in...
David Cameron Shed

‘It was a mistake not a disaster’ – Cameron opens up about PigGate

Former prime minister David Cameron says placing his genitals in the mouth of a severed pigs head has 'turned out less badly than I...
Man in rain

Northerner goes full day without talking about the weather

Storm Eleanor has battered the United Kingdom with wind of up to 100 miles power hour, damaging property, trees and causing storm risk warnings...

Army reserves called in to quell riot after supermarket runs out of Prosecco

A large scale riot has erupted, leaving two police officers in critical condition and requiring a joint effort between the police and Army reserves. At...

Follow us


Popular Posts