For three days smoke has filled the skies above north Manchester as Saddleworth moor has been seemingly ablaze, leaving North Manchester covered in a fog of settling smoke.

The recent heatwaves has caused the grass and vegetation of the moors to severely dry out, prompting early fears of an Australian or Californian style Bush fire.

However, after a thorough investigation involving both the fire service and Derek Acorah (who is now suffering an existential crisis after putting £40 on Germany winning the World Cup), early fears of a ‘bush fire’ have been ruled out.

Aerial heat surveys undertaken by the Manchester Metropolitan Fire Service have picked up images of a small group of people in the densest area of smoke.
“On the Helicopters scanners, we could see heat coming from a small group of people where the smoke was thickest” said Tom Barret of the fire department
“We immediately set about getting down there to rescue them from what we assumed was a bad fire in the dry scrub, but once we touched down we quickly realised it was just hipsters smoking heritage tobacco.”

The hipsters in question were having a perfectly safe picnic by the reservoir and showing off their modified vaping paraphernalia.

“The huge plumes of “Heisenberg” and “Black Cherry” flavoured vape clouds they were blowing out have only gone and cost Greater Manchester tens of thousand pounds in emergency services, but at least no one was hurt.”

Derek Acorah’s depression worsened after he had to ask the hipsters for ID whilst identifying them.

19th century vegetable highwayman/ satirist. Likes: the sound of a solitary house fly loitering hectically around his ear and the feeling of a warm toilet seat. Favourite topic: writing about political intrigue involving biscuits.