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Dick Turnip

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19th century vegetable highwayman/ satirist. Likes: the sound of a solitary house fly loitering hectically around his ear and the feeling of a warm toilet seat. Favourite topic: writing about political intrigue involving biscuits.

Motorcyclist only warmed by the thought his organs may be put to good use

A motorcyclist braving freezing weather conditions to commute to work, was warm solely in his thoughts for a brief moment, as he realised that...
Putin MAGA

Putin has confirmed he will run for second term as President of United States

After his self proclaimed "success with that bloated orange puppet" Vladimir Putin has announced that he will seek to control him in a second...

Man still wearing shorts admits his legs are cold

Tom Hodgkins of Heywood today admitted that wearing shorts in winter is a bad idea and his leg are cold. We caught up with Tom,...

Damien Green MP makes xxxpenses claim for Porn Hub premium membership

Allegations have recently arisen that Conservative MP and incumbent minister of the cabinet office, Damian Green MP had been browsing and downloading 'thousands' of...
Houses of Parliament

SHOCK after politician caught watching NORMAL PORN featuring adults

A former Scotland Yard detective has told the Rochdale herald he was "shocked" by the amount of legal pornography viewed on a computer seized...
Sandy Hook

We’re doing just fine says President of country whose hobbies include shooting children at...

The so-called President of a country that lists shooting children at school amongst its most popular hobbies has told the UK Prime Minster to...
Purse

Wonga to rebrand as Universal Credit Day Loans

The Autumn Budget 2017 announced changes to Universal Credit, merging the government's flagship benefits payment scheme with short-term high-cost credit provider Wonga. Mr B.Starde a...

Labour forced to suspend MP Jared O’Mara after it was revealed he considers Jaffa...

Sheffield MP Jared O’Mara has found himself in extremely hot water today as fresh evidence of controversial views and opinions have been found on...
Man in warm coat

Hurricane Ophelia upgraded to category 5 after northern man zips up coat

Storm Ophelia is battering the UK and Ireland with gusts up to 80mph. After a report of a northern man tutting at a flurry...

Northerners scared by red sun consult wise woman and prepare sacrifices

Looking outside this morning millions of British citizens were confronted by an unusually shade of overcast and the sun glowing a curious red. Researchers from...
Rochdale paramedics

10 injured after multi trolley pile up in dash to newly opened til at...

Reports are coming in that there has been a serious collision at Middleton Lidl. So far emergency services have rescued 10 people, including an...

Rochdale vale terrorised by 1% outlaw motorhome gangs

Rochdale is in the grips of an outlaw Caravaner gang; who are terrorising wild life, being a public nuisance and brawling with dog walkers...

Cheap bottle of wine is eventually returned to original gift giver

A bottle of £3.50 red wine from Lidl, which was brought to a house warming has finally been returned to the cheapskate couple that...

Corbyn delighted to hear of Monarch’s collapse

Jeremy Corbyn gleefully whistled whilst spreading marmalade across his toast this morning, as a result of Monarch airline going bust, according to his neighbour. Burt...

Ramsay Bolton has been elected as the UK Independence Party’s new leader

The infamously violent former Warden of the North had the six others in competition for the leadership violently murdered at the UKIP autumn conference...
Hugh Hefner

Playboy Bunnies surprised to find Hugh Hefner stiffer than usual

Notorious Bachelor and soft core pornographer Hugh Hefner was pronounced dead this morning at his home, the Playboy Mansion, Los Angeles. Early reports indicate that...

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