According to experts who have been to gigs every band in the world is definitely having more fun than the audience.

“Standing ankle deep in urine next to strangers who smell of rolling tobacco and body odour is not as much fun as fulfilling all of your childhood dreams, seems obvious. I’m not entirely sure why people go to gigs to be honest. It’s loads more fun on the stage.” Eric Clapton told The Rochdale Herald.

“I had the misfortune to accidentally see a live band recently. It was terrible. I’ve had tinnitus for two days. Does it really sound like that in the audience? It’s much better on the stage. I suppose we don’t have massive speakers pointing at us.”

Heavy metal fan Derek Higgins of Norden told us: “I’ve not spent 100 quid on a ticket, worked through my lunch breaks all week to get out early and sat for an hour in traffic, just to get to this gig and have some yob stood up in front of me headbanging away, blocking my view of the band. If not being able to sit and enjoy watching the band wasn’t enough, the idiot in front started air guitaring and nearly knocked my nachos all over my best Next work shirt!”

“Don’t tell anybody but the bit I enjoy the most is sneaking out early and beating the traffic on the way home. I’m not sure the feeling is worth the price of the ticket though.”

“I’m pretty sure the band has always had more fun than me.”

19th century vegetable highwayman/ satirist. Likes: the sound of a solitary house fly loitering hectically around his ear and the feeling of a warm toilet seat. Favourite topic: writing about political intrigue involving biscuits.