Greta Thunberg has urged politicians to consider the planet they are leaving for Keith Richards when making policies that affect the climate.

Speaking just before she set sail for Spain Thunberg said, “I am sailing to the COP25 in Madrid. I’ll be sailing with an Australian family on their boat. This boat has a toilet which is good because the previous one I was on didn’t have one. I had to spend 2 weeks having a dump in a plastic bag.”

The Madrid conference will see dignitaries from around the world fly to Spain to try to work out how they can cut greenhouse gases. Try starting with teleconferences you f***ing tools.

Ms Thunberg is expected to address world leaders at the end of this week. In a speech exclusively revealed to The Rochdale Herald she will tell leaders, “You are failing us. If not for yourselves you must take action for the future. Keith Richards is barely a third of the way through his life. Think about that. What sort of life does he have to look forward to? Ecosystems are collapsing. Soon there will only be Keith Richards and cockroaches left.”

When asked how the sailing was going Ms Thunberg told us that she’s so cold but wild horses couldn’t drag her away from this meeting. She also said that when she gets to Madrid she’ll be waiting for a friend.

When asked what he thought of Thunberg’s address Keith Richards said, “She’s a rainbow.”

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.