The Duke and Duchess of Cambridge have left hospital after increasing the burden on the taxpayer for a third time.

The new prince, who was born at St Mary’s Hospital, London, at 11:01, weighing 8lb 7oz, is already worth more than his equivalent weight in gold bullion, which currently stands at £949.76 an ounce.

Kensington Palace said the Duchess of Cambridge and her son, who is yet to be given vast swathes of land and titles, are “settled comfortably and are wealthier than your wildest plebian dreams”.

Members of both families have been informed and were “delighted that the Royal budget will be increased”.

Just before 18:00 Prince William and Catherine came out of the hospital briefly to show their son to the crowd, whispering “They’ll all belong to you one day”.

They then returned inside to collect their newborn son’s jewel encrusted car seat before driving over a crowd of sycophants waving miniature Union Jack flags.

Stacy Broughton, 26 who travelled from Rochdale to London to have her ankle crushed by the new prince’s car said “Oh I’m so happy that we have another Royal. It takes my mind off from my continuous hunger and the fact I work 40 hours a week to cover the rent of my leaky flat… I wonder which castle he’ll get!”

19th century vegetable highwayman/ satirist. Likes: the sound of a solitary house fly loitering hectically around his ear and the feeling of a warm toilet seat. Favourite topic: writing about political intrigue involving biscuits.