Research undertaken at the Smallbridge Campus of the University of Manchester in Rochdale has concluded that people that refer to themselves as Alpha Males are in fact massive wankers.

Professor Cook and his team, of SCUM’s Sociology and Cultural studies faculty, spent 3 days collecting data and interviewing subjects for their thesis on Modern day Alpha-males in society.

“Following on from our award winning work on Metrosexuals in the last decade, we decided to undertake another study on a current trend of self-identification in young men as Alpha Males, otherwise known as ‘Alphas’.” Said Professor Cook.

He continued, “The self-identifying Alpha male is a particularly under studied specimen in modern culture, mainly due to difficulties in engagement on an academic level; Being both learned scholars and Academic professionals, our own attempts of study through interaction have been met at worst with hostility and at best with ridicule during field experiments; I myself have suffered ridicule simply due to my own name – Cook; which for some reason still not known, highly amused all Alphas I attempted to interview.”

An excerpt of the study on Alpha Males reads:

“Alphas can generally be identified by their narcissism, such as highly filtered Instagram pictures – usually using contrast functions to highlight muscle definition, associated facebook updates on a particular cross-fit regime and neck tattoos. Other identifying traits of Alphas are an ability to consume unsafe volumes of energy drinks, a generic long on top short on sides haircut and designer facial stubble.”

After 3 days of interviews, Professor Cook’s team ceased further study stating, “We couldn’t stomach anymore of these absolute knobs” and that they had all the data they needed to conclude that

“Alpha males are in fact just a massive bunch of wankers.”