With temperatures hitting 30°C across the nation, dog owners have been warned to pay special attention to their four legged friends.

Each year the RSPCA recieves dozens of complaints of animals locked in hot cars, with 2018 seeing 58 complete fucking morons letting their pets perish as they swanned around an air conditioned supermarket lookong for a disposable BBQ.

Tom Fallon of the Animal Welfare League explained “A locked car parked in this sun can effectively become an oven, reaching 40°C and beyond; In this environment a dog can die within 15 minutes.”

We asked Tom what his best advice is for those planning on leaving their pet in a locked car in this heatwave:

“Firstly, just don’t do it you idiots, secondly, if you absolutely have to, try adding some salt pepper and a few slices of lemon; because a dog will die in a hot car in 15 minutes, after another 30minutes, the meat will slide straight off of the bone.”

19th century vegetable highwayman/ satirist. Likes: the sound of a solitary house fly loitering hectically around his ear and the feeling of a warm toilet seat. Favourite topic: writing about political intrigue involving biscuits.