Donald Trump has today given a speech suggesting that it’s the 50th anniversary of Abraham Lincoln walking on Mars.

A spokesman for POTATUS said, “POTATUS meant to mark 50 years since Neil Armstrong walked on the moon. There were issues with the autocue in that it had words on it and POTATUS can’t read.”

Professor Frederick Seddon of Jodrell Bank told us, “This seems to be a pattern with Trump. He seems to confuse Mars and the moon a lot. A couple of months ago he tweeted to say that Mars was part of the moon. It’s hard really to understand, why?The moon is the massive white thing you can see at night. Mars is the small red one you can see in the evening in October.”

A White House insider told us, “It feeds into this confusion he has with Astronomy in general. In July he nearly caused a war with Canada because he thought the film Independence Day was a documentary. 6 months ago he harangued NORAD about an alien invasion. Turns out he thought the film, The War of the Worlds was a Fox Bollocks broadcast. Last year, whilst visiting CERN he asked if they could read Melania’s palm as a favour to him.”

The insider went on, “We’ve hidden Men In Black. He thinks it’s some sort of hagiography of Barack Obama. We’ve not got the patience to explain that that’s Will Smith and they don’t all look the same.”

Predictably, “news” network, Fox Bollocks, reported as fact what had happened. One analyst said, “These people saying Abraham Lincoln never walked on Mars are liars who hate our country and Israel. The science on Abraham Lincoln walking on the surface of Mars is in no way settled. Anyone who says it didn’t happen is un-American and most probably a Muslim.”

A NASA spokesman told us, “He was clearly talking rubbish but we need funding which is why we applauded enthusiastically. Obviously, this is going to look slightly awkward if POTATUS ends on the path to some sort of ethnic cleansing thing. Particularly as I’ve just spent a week tip-ex-ing out Werner Von Braun’s role in the space race.”

The UK Government has spent the day marking the anniversary in the servile manner that its need for a trade agreement with the US now requires. Prime Minister elect, Boris Johnson made a statement that was a complete pack of lies before adding the words, “Wiffle, What-ho and fluffy” to the end to add verisimilitude and make it sound more convincingly eccentric.

Elsewhere, Mr Trump has denied asking a Yazidi Nobel Prize winner what “shithole” she came to America from even though there is video footage of him doing it.

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.