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White heat from the Technology News team: All the latest from the Rochdale and area tech scene

Irish Garda stalk Stephen Hawking in Richard Dawkins blasphemy mix up

After the recent news that Stephen Fry is to be stoned to death by Irish authorities for calling God 'a bit of dick', the Irish Garda are now considering prosecuting other celebrity blasphemers.The most notable example...

Heinz announces new alphabetti spaghetti for the blind

Purveyors of fine bean and pasta based tinned goods, Heinz, announced a new product this morning.A spokesman told The Rochdale Herald:"It's all about equal opportunities and we feel the visually impaired are missing out...
Daleks

Daleks to replace ‘exterminate’ slogan with ‘strong and stable’ for 2049 re-election bid.

?Speaking from a neutral zone hyperdock, leader of the New Dalek Empire Theres- Sorry, Dalek Sec, said today that the bid for re-election in 2049 will be spear-headed by a new slogan, one more...

Man who received double hand transplant can’t wait to “trim his hedge”

The first person in the UK ever to have a double hand transplant has told The Rochdale Herald that he can't wait to get home to "trim his hedge".We bet he can't. Chris King...

?Kim Jong Un invents universal cure

The secretive state of North Korea has managed to cure most illnesses from the common cold to cancer, it has been revealed.Ishit Yu Not, a 33-year-old North Korean doctor with a gun to his...

Christian groups OUTRAGED as Apple replace Christian emojis with Islamojis

The next update to Apple's iOS devices will feature almost 100 Islamic emojis, dubbed Islamojis, replacing almost all Christian iconography available on the iPhone 7.The move has been slammed by Christian critics of Apple...

Theresa May’s Incompetence, Like Great Wall of China, ‘now visible from the Moon’

NASA Astronauts have confirmed that Theresa May's staggering incompetence has joined the Great Wall of China as the second man-made object to be visible from the surface of the Moon.Space boffins were at first...

Woman killed by drinking mineral water 15 minutes older than best before date

A Rochdale resident was found dead at home today after consuming a bottle of water 15 minutes past its expiry date.Police told the Herald that they believed the woman had died sometime over the weekend.Forensic scientist...

Monkey With Typewriter Writes ‘Donald Trump Is An Orangutan In A Suit’

There was great excitement at the Royal Institute For Statistical Improbability today.Beppo, one of the infinite number of monkeys with typewriters trying to type the complete works of Shakespeare, wrote "Donald Trump is an...

Hokey Cokey is Jiggery-Pokery

Eminent Rochdale-born Professor of Metaphysics, Quinton Feltchworthy shook the worlds of science, mathematics and philosophy to their very foundations yesterday when he published an explosive paper which proves unequivocally that The Hokey Cokey is,...

Scientists confirm tea tastes better when somebody else makes it

Researchers from Rochdale Community University have confirmed after years of extensive research that tea tastes loads better when somebody else has made it.Maurice Tips, Professor of Hot Beverages at the University's world famous Brew...

Euro TV Satellite expected to fall on Rochdale: “Nothing to fear” say boffins

28.2E Astra2/Eurobird1 may not mean anything to most people, but it is very much in the minds of worried Rochdale residents who have recently learned that the high-tech TV satellite is expected to fall...

Rochdale cyclist says he’s right about earth being flat

A Rochdale cyclist has spent the entire week explaining to people he works with how he knows the Earth is flat.Carl Isles, cycles the ten miles to work and back everyday and still gets...
Aliens

Aliens call off attack due to lack of funny title for this article

Giant brain-sucking aliens from the R33-Delta 1 Q’Luurfb system have put back their planned invasion of the planet Earth we can exclusively reveal today.The green, eight-fingered, slimy Q’Luurfbians had planned to invade this coming...

Microsoft worker takes Apple to court

Yesterday, a Microsoft employee allegedly got a dressing down from High Court judge, the Right Honorable Justice Antony Smyth-Tomkinson. The employee who we cannot name for legal reasons was serving on the jury in...
Tangled Wires

Tangled wires defy all laws of physics, confirm scientists

A study has proven that any one wire left unattended for 5 minutes, will tangle itself beyond the laws of physics. The physics department of Rochdale Community University under lead scientist Professor Duane Dibbley, carried...

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