Science and Technology

White heat from the Technology News team: All the latest from the Rochdale and area tech scene

dolphins

Dolphins disappear across the globe as Trump Inauguration looms

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Oceans across the globe are feeling decidedly odd today after the entire planet's population of porpoises and dolphins completely and utterly disappeared overnight. "I really...
Turkberry

Rochdale scientists breed Christmas ‘turkberry’

Top food scientists say they are 'very close' to successfully breeding a turkey with a cranberry bush. The new 'turkberry' hybrid bush-bird could be on...

2017 set to be hottest year on record

Experts in worldwide trends are predicting that 2017 will reach terminal levels of warmth by mid-June. Professor Thorfin Nerfstretcherrsson, Head of Rochdale Community University's department...

Microsoft to finally stop buggering about with Windows

Microsoft have announced today that they have finally finished fannying about with Windows and Microsoft Office. The news has been met with widespread concern by...

Streisand Needs To Pronounce Her Name Properly, Says Siri

Barbara Streizzand has used her fame as a has been screecher and ex-movie star to get Apple to alter the way Siri pronounces...
Snapchat

Web Removes Facebook From Xmas Card List

The World Wide Web is sulking after Facebook got its birthday wrong.  Facebook flooded feeds with celebratory posts on the 23rd of August claiming the...

Local scientist proves no link between Marmite and racism

Homegrown boffin and university lecturer Professor Arthur Nidear has today Published his findings after 2 years researching whether the much-loved spread, which is also...

Brian Cox Announced As New President Of Flat Earth Society

Both the scientific and pseudo-scientific communities express a modicum of shock as tousle-haired synth-pop supremo and thinking housewives favourite Professor Brian Cox is sworn...
Turn it off and on

Team behind the May-Bot to try turning it off and back on again

The Project May-Bot team have announced that due to recent poor performance and unexpected features being noted, they are looking into resetting the May-Bot...

Linkin Park’s poignant question answered

The question posed by Linkin Park all those years ago has been answered and people might not like the answer. According to scientists, who have been...

Parents ask kids to surf net to find solution to spending too much time...

Fresh fears regarding the overuse of the internet by youngsters has emerged, with experts suggesting that it should be compared to fast food. The...
Scientists

‘How many roads must a man walk down before he can call himself a...

Researchers have proved that the number of roads a man must walk down before you call him a man is greater than, or equal...

South African Scientist Discovers Free Non-Polluting Energy Source

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Imagine the scenario: you are in a pub, when a local starts spouting racist nonsense. You have an overwhelming desire to stand up and...
Boris Johnson

‘Shit dont stick to this, fam’ says Boris Johnson

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Non-stick coating manufacturer Teflon has today announced a lucrative tie in with Foreign Secretary Boris Johnson. The company is believed to have lined up an...
Laptop

Laptop finishes update in time for the weekend

An office worker in Rochdale is celebrating this evening after his laptop finally finished updating just in time for the weekend. Dave Bloke from Milnrow...
Cyclist in rain

Prize boffin apparently unaware of weather

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The winner of this year's Dyson James Dyson Boffin Admired By Dyson's James Dyson Award, is Isis. No, not the naughty middle eastern twerps, a...

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