The first person in the UK ever to have a double hand transplant has told The Rochdale Herald that he can’t wait to get home to “trim his hedge”.

We bet he can’t. Chris King (57) cleverly lost his hands in a metal pressing machine at work 3 years ago despite, we presume, undergoing some form of training about not putting your hands in a metal pressing machine.

As a result, Chris King, who is single has had nobody to “trim his hedge” for him for at least 3 years.

“I can’t wait to get home and ‘trim my hedge’ if you know what I mean? You know; mow my lawn, strim my weeds, turn my beds, feed my chickens, paint my fence. I’m so excited these hands are bigger than my last set so my ‘hedge trimmer’ is going to feel enormous.”

His neighbours are not that the thrilled at the prospect;

“The bloke’s a massive ‘gardener’ if you know what I mean? I know he lost his hands but the amount of ‘gardening’ he used to do was disgusting, I’m not looking forward to listening to him ‘potting his seedlings’ at all hours again.” Said Graham Brown.

When asked what else he was looking forward to Mr King said “cycling and obviously a cheeky hand shandy.”

The operation was carried out by Professor Kay at Leeds General Infirmary, a pretty decent hospital, for Yorkshire.

Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.