Scientists and Government sources have confirmed that the giant asteroid, 2016-FI is on course to strike the Northern Hemisphere after initial uncertainty about it’s trajectory. The news was first reported by California’s Yackler Observatory on Saturday, July 9th, a move that has been widely condemned by World leaders who claim they want to avoid mass panic.

How The Yackler Obsevatory broke the news on Saturday
How The Yackler Observatory broke the news on Saturday

“I can now confirm that the asteroid 2016-F1, a near-Earth object measuring approximately 1.2km in diameter will strike our planet on Friday July 15 at 16:55 UTC” announced US Government spokesman, Ed Stewart. “We cannot possibly predict the exact site of the main impact as this will depend on how much the object breaks up as it burns through the atmosphere, however the current best guess is a major impact will occur at 53.610127° N, 2.157236° W. Despite our best efforts, we have been unable to find a way to avoid the inevitable apocalypse.”

“We have known about this object for over a year, but a joint agreement was reached by the UN General Assembly to withhold the information to prevent needless and futile panic on a worldwide scale. To this end, governments across the globe have attempted to draw public attention to more positive matters. The United Kingdom held a referendum on EU membership, Russia bombed the crap out of Syrian civilians and Donald Trump agreed to stage a comedy version of The Apprentice by running for President of The United States. We regret that Mr Trump’s valiant attempt to shield the US from the impact by building a wall along the Mexican border will be in vain as it will not be completed by Friday. Furthermore, despite our insistence that the Yucatán Peninsula will not be the target this time around, he failed to take that on board.

With hindsight, we accept that we should have come clean and informed the world of it’s impending doom as this would most likely have caused less hysteria. For this we sincerly apologise but on the bright side, at least nobody can blame themselves for the forthcoming global meltdown. Really, we’re sorry about causing a fuss.”

Donald Trump points out the danger
Donald Trump points out the danger

The UK Government remains steadfastly silent about the Earth-shattering revelation and have continued to deflect public attention with absurd publicity stunts involving Teresa May, Boris Johnson, David Cameron, Article 50  and a pig’s head. Labour and UKIP appear to have collaborated with equally risible side shows of their own. Even comedy double act Paul Golding and Jayda Fransen attempted to lighten the public mood with their curiously popular travelling circus ‘Britain First’. Unfortunately, Golding’s poor showing in the London Mayoral Election let the side down somewhat, and it is looking less likely that they will be able to take our country back from a 200-mile-wide hole in the Earth’s crust. “We warned you that ISIS were coming for us,” shrieked Fransen “but you wouldn’t listen! Now the whole world will burn!” “Britain First!”, added Golding.

Rochdale, this coming Friday at five to five.

The Rochdale Herald was able to contact local astronomy expert Wilfred Ramsbottom, who seemed somewhat irritated by the news. “I don’t bloody believe it!” he snapped. “Rochdale was promised a spectacular light show next year when the 28.2E Astra2/Eurobird1 TV satellite is due to crash here. Now it looks like we won’t be around to enjoy it thanks to this bloody big rock stealing Eurobird’s thunder!”

‘Celebrity’ motor mouth, Katie Hopkins was quick to chime in on Twitter “Give me strength!” she wailed. “Stick up a chuffing sign to warn us about asteroids, but only in English. That would sort out our immigration problem once and for all.”

This isn’t the first time that the unsuspecting masses have been fooled by drama productions on national media, misinterpreting them as real news. It is popularly believed that Orson Wells’ radio production of H.G. Wells’ “The War of the Worlds” caused mass hysteria across America when it was broadcast on October 30th, 1938. Nearly 80 years later, this has been revealed to be bullshit.