A top Agricultural scientist at Cambridge University has revealed that potatoes cannot grow behind or even in a persons earlobe. This shock news comes after hundreds of years of false lies, spread by Mothers, just to get their children to wash properly.

Professor Brian Malone, Head of Agricultural Studies at Cambridge University told us. “We have done extensive tests around this subject. We tried growing potatoes in and around the ears of consenting students in experiments at the University. However we concluded that the depth of soil needed to grow potatoes far exceeded that of the space between either the back of the ear or even inside the ear itself” He went on to add “Not even if you had ears like Andrew Marr”.

Further test at Cambridge University are presently taking place. Including whether it’s possible for an uncle to detach a nose from a small child’s face and put it in his pocket without any sign of pain and blood. Also intensive research into faces changing permanently with changes in direction of wind.

We asked one mother in Ipswich to clarify our findings. She responded with “No comment” before taking our suppers away and sending us to bed