Researchers have proved that the number of roads a man must walk down before you call him a man is greater than, or equal to, zero.

Professor Lance Boyle of the University of Rochdale said “The answer, popularly believed to be an elusive, philosophical one, as difficult to get a hold on as a crisp bag blowing in the wind, is in fact, quite simple. A man can obviously be called a man even if he has never walked down a road.  If we accept that the being in question is a Homo sapiens, or ‘man’, then that fundamental fact is unchanged by the number of roads he may or may not have perambulated.”

“Indeed to ask the question is clearly ableist as it suggests a male human incapable of walking cannot be called a man. You might as well ask how many roads a man must be wheeled down before you call him a wheelbarrow.”

Professor Robert Zimmerman of the University of Duluth, who posited the original ‘Blowing in the wind’ theory is now 78 years old and would only comment ‘the pump don’t work ’cause the vandals took the handle.’