Science and Technology

White heat from the Technology News team: All the latest from the Rochdale and area tech scene

Daleks

Daleks to replace ‘exterminate’ slogan with ‘strong and stable’ for 2049 re-election bid.

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?Speaking from a neutral zone hyperdock, leader of the New Dalek Empire Theres- Sorry, Dalek Sec, said today that the bid for re-election in...

British Firewall totally not about censorship and spying, says head of spying and censorship...

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GCHQ, the British spy agency that is regularly exposed for bugging our phones and nicking our online data to spy on us, has announced...

Tests prove evolution has stopped among UKIP supporters

Groundbreaking research at Rochdale Technical University’s Institute of Genetic Engineering has confirmed that evolution has stopped working, and in some cases is being reversed,...

Cats growing increasingly desperate to find cure for Coronavirus

Pet cats have announced that they're ramping up their efforts to find a cure for Coronavirus as many find they're now forced to spend...

Researchers reclassify idiocy as alt-intelligence

Gavin Chappie of Rochdale Community University claims to have made a discovery in the development of AI.  He told the Herald that his theory may...
Scientists

Scientist confirms it’s impossible to grow potato behind an ear

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A top Agricultural scientist at Cambridge University has revealed that potatoes cannot grow behind or even in a persons earlobe. This shock news comes...
Cyclist in rain

Prize boffin apparently unaware of weather

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The winner of this year's Dyson James Dyson Boffin Admired By Dyson's James Dyson Award, is Isis. No, not the naughty middle eastern twerps, a...
extraterrestrials

Message from aliens intercepted. 

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Scientists at the Laval University in Quebec have intercepted what they believe to be a message from extraterrestrials. The message was received encoded in modulations...
Scientists

‘How many roads must a man walk down before he can call himself a...

Researchers have proved that the number of roads a man must walk down before you call him a man is greater than, or equal...
Drug paraphernalia

Rochdale man who can’t explain what his job is tells people he’s a drug...

A Rochdale man who got tired of struggling to explain what his job is, so that people could understand what he does, now just...

Nightmare for woman who cleans phone screen.

A woman who felt all was well in world and wasn't troubled by current media output was horrified to learn the truth today after...
Chernobyl Fallout

Scientists warn against wearing Ukrainian underpants because Chernobyl Fallout

Scientists from the University of Kiev have issued a stark warning to people all over the world about the dangers of wearing Ukrainian undercrackers.

Heinz announces new alphabetti spaghetti for the blind

Purveyors of fine bean and pasta based tinned goods, Heinz, announced a new product this morning. A spokesman told The Rochdale Herald: "It's all about equal...

Scientists confirm tea tastes better when somebody else makes it

Researchers from Rochdale Community University have confirmed after years of extensive research that tea tastes loads better when somebody else has made it. Maurice Tips,...
Snapchat

Web Removes Facebook From Xmas Card List

The World Wide Web is sulking after Facebook got its birthday wrong.  Facebook flooded feeds with celebratory posts on the 23rd of August claiming the...

Local scientist proves no link between Marmite and racism

Homegrown boffin and university lecturer Professor Arthur Nidear has today Published his findings after 2 years researching whether the much-loved spread, which is also...

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