Following the UK release of Pokemon Go ten days ago, several prominent spokespersons for leading UK religious organisations have spoken out, condemning the game as being opposed to the basic tenets of their religion.

The rare and elusive Welby; possibly evolved from a Monkaka, but don’t get him started on that.
Facebook pages such as ‘Christians Against PokemonGo’ have sprung up in the past few days condemning the game, with top C of E names such as current Archbishop of Canterbury Justin Welby lending his weight to the argument by describing the augmented-reality phenomenon as an ‘unpleasant conduit of nastiness’, whilst Muslim cleric Abbas Shuman, deputy head of the Al-Azhar Islamic institution, labelled the game a “harmful mania” and likened it to drinking alcohol, a practice prohibited under strict interpretations of Islam.

Both spokesmen consider the game Satanic, and as such apostacy to their religion, citing its themes of ‘evolving’ creatures according to the bizarre principles of the as-yet-unproven and totally hypothetical Darwinist theory as damaging to the impressionable minds among their theological creed. What is perhaps more surprising is that spokesmen for the Church of Satan themselves have now spoken out against the game for representing what they see as ‘an erosion of decent, traditional values’.

We spoke to Adramelech Baphomet (nee Julian Sutcliffe), head of the Middleton branch of the Unified Church of Satan, who informed us IN AN EXCLUSIVE INTERVIEW WITH THE HERALD in no uncertain terms as to the official standpoint of his church:

“Pokemon Go, as far as the Church of Satan is concerned, represents the downfall of Western civilisation as we know it. What many people don’t know or appreciate about us is that at our basic fundament, we are a deeply traditional movement that hold traditional values very closely to our hearts. One of the things about modern youth culture that we really can’t abide is bad language; some of the foul language associated with these games is just shocking, and letting young people play these games without adult supervision is just anathema to us. As an example, some of the Pokemon have really filthy names, like Wankotron, Splooge Monkey, Fart and Nipple Clamp Spandex Jizzmeister Blapp 3000. As if that wasn’t bad enough, some of the general language in the game is just abhorent; my eight year old son Tarquin is only level four and he tried joining a gym. That professor told him to go and ‘eff’ himself with pineapple… sideways! ‘Don’t come back till you’re level five, you little tw*t!’ he told him. What kind of message is that to be sending out to a seven year old? I mean eight. An eight year old”. “Schemhamforash!”, he added.

Some typically foul language as seen in the dreadful, dreadful game.
Bad language isn’t the only issue that has raised concerns among uptight Satanists, many of whom are resident in the local Rochdale community’.

“The whole thing is just disruptive to our general way of life” said Rosemary S’babie, 36, High Priestess of Rochdale’s Pentagrammatist Church of Latter Day Satanists. We were performing Black Mass the other day, and we had to stop the whole thing right at the ‘symbolic’ virgin sacrifice because Nigel had found a Blastoise. It was ridiculous. I’m thinking of joining the Christians, I bet they don’t have to put up with this fu*cking sh*t.”

A Satanic Mass being interrupted by the sudden appearance of yet another sodding Pidgey yesterday.
The Middleton branch of the Unified Church of Satan has had numerous famous alumni among its numbers over the years, including Salem ‘witch’ Sarah Averill, Jeremy Clarkson, David Cameron, her off the News Of The World and The Sun and that (you know, the ginger one what married him off of Eastenders), Andrea Leadsom, Little Jimmy Crankee and Noel Fuck*ing Edmonds. Allegedly.