The Global Head of IT Security for Yahoo has moved swiftly to support customers and dispel rumours of incompetence.

VP of IT Security Brian Hodgkins, a retired PE Teacher from Rochdale, has contacted every Yahoo customer personally with words of comfort and practical advice.

“I’ve sent them all a postcard” said Brian “…but 2nd Class mind; we’re not made of money” he continued.

“We’ve had a bit of a security breach so we are advising that they turn their computers on and off. If that doesn’t work the they can pull the cable out of the wall.”

When pressed he did admit that IT Security measures have been upgraded at Yahoo.

“It’s bleeding edge” said Brian “Every employee has been issued with a hammer and a role of electrical tape; anyone who hacks their way into here is in for a shock” he boasted “unless they come in after 5pm or at the weekends – but what can you do?”