The Government has announced a vague and ill thought out plan to start a space program instead of electrifying the TransPennine Express railway line.

A Government spokesman said, “After doing a full audit of the benefits versus the cost of electrifying the TransPennine Express and decided that it’s too costly. It’ll come in at over £100m pounds which is better spent on a space program. We’ll just boost the UK Space Agency spending and launch rockets from Swindon. We’ve obviously discussed this at length in the pub last Friday afternoon and have concluded that it shouldn’t cost more than a couple of million quid extra and think of the benefits.”

Minister Cliff Edge told us, “People keep going on about modernising the railways and possibly running some newer stock. But nobody uses the trains anymore. Or at least I don’t as I’m retired and don’t commute to work. A space program would be great. Plus, I’d get to ponce about in a hard hat looking at space stuff and saying stuff like, cosmic.”

The Government also sought to reassure everyone that the UK is in actual fact a global leader in going into space. Cliff said, “We’re always launching rockets into space and have a well-established infrastructure and engineering base to take on such projects. If we piled up enough chairs on the top of Saddleworth Moor we’d easily get into space.”

It’s understood that the Government announcement for funding a space program will be in the same statement as the one telling everyone they now have to work until they’re 250 years old as the Government can’t afford pensions anymore.


Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.