Riot police had to be called to a Rochdale Asda today following a bout of civil disorder. Heavy discounts meant customers could purchase trolleys for £1.

A Black Friday sale on trolleys saw customers fighting in the aisles. One told us, “I got here at 3am to get a space in the queue. There were already loads of people here by then. When the doors opened it was just chaos.”

Another customer said, “I’ve just been in and it’s like the end of Platoon. I beat an old man to death with his own false leg. What can you do? It’s the law of Black Friday.”

Police Crime Commissioner, Orla Board said, “We are very critical of the minority of people who came to cause trouble. We were forced to deploy an entire riot squad to a branch of Asda this morning. We urge any customers to be patient. It’s not as if trolleys aren’t normally a pound.”

For retailers and marketers Black Friday marks the start of bullshit marketing season. Next Monday will see Cyber Monday where shoppers will go online and buy loads of rubbish they don’t need. In 3 weeks time there is Black Eye Friday where everyone goes out, gets drunk and has a fight.

One Asda customer told us, “Now I’ve got my trolleys I’m going to buy baseball bats and knives for Black Eye Friday.”

Orla Board told us, “If this is what it’s like over a few televisions and trolleys imagine what it’s going to be like next April.”

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.