Rising crime rates and the falling numbers of policemen on the streets are just an amazing coincidence and are in no way related, sources within Downing Street revealed today.

The news comes after the chief inspector of West Midlands police force revealed yesterday that you were more likely to spot a unicorn in Birmingham than a police officer.

“We have to admit it looks like rising crime and falling funding for police forces might be related.” A spokes-shitter for Downing Street told The Rochdale Herald.

“Just because these things are happening at exactly the same time doesn’t mean that they have anything to do with one another.”

“We have no influence whatsoever when people choose to commit crimes, it just so happens, that completely by coincidence loads of people in the West Midlands, where there are happen to be hardly any policeman left because of funding cuts, that loads of people are choosing to commit loads of really horrible crimes.”

“All at once.”