Causes of knife crime confirmed to be poor choices of dead victims

As knife crime continues to plague the streets of the capital, a bleeding edge study by Rochdale University has identified the top five causes:

  1. Gang culture.  Teenagers seek out other children their own age and spend time with them.  This is bad and wrong.  They either spend it playing computer games inside, also bad and wrong, or they spend it outside.  And what do they do, shuffling around outside?  They don’t play in the leisure centre we didn’t require the private developers to build.  No, they shuffle around outside in groups, known as gangs.
  2. Street crime.  Inner city children frequently smoke cannabis on the street.  Children in elite public schools never smoke cannabis on the street, and as a result, street crime is higher in urban areas.
  3. Chicken shops.  Youths congregate in their search for the pengest munch.  Why can they not simply go to each others houses for dinner parties?  If they ate and drank inside, they could also do a few cheeky lines inside and discuss house prices like decent folk.  Instead they take hard drugs on the streets listening to their mobile phones, and littering.
  4. Greed.  Some youths take the opportunity to earn some money on the side from dealing.  If they are so desperate for cash, why can’t their parents give them some?  If times are hard, and let’s face it, school fees are high, are they not aware of the tax breaks available for renting a room out?
  5. Melanin.  Nothing turns a group of friends into a gang faster than the presence of melanin.

The causes are plain.  Therefore we call for urgent action.  If the streets are not made safer, this could disrupt the safe flow of cocaine to where it is needed.  Securing our streets is therefore as important as defending an oil pipeline.

What will it take before Sadiq Khan takes action, an Ocado hijack?

Satire Aid is back!Visit the Satire Aid website.

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Like many satirists, Johnny Wapping accepts he is an arsehole, and thinks society could be better if we were all willing to accept what arseholes we are. If you see him on Facebook, why not ask if he's read the article?