Crime

In a bold new democracy-busting move, Emperor Trump has decreed the police will now swear an oath of allegiance directly to the person of himself. They will be rebranded "the Orange Shirts", be given...

After being alerted to the shockingly high number of deaths caused by toddlers shooting their parents, President Trump signed the legally binding order yesterday that prevents all children under four from entering the United States, "Until...

52 year old mother of two Janice Longthorne has spent so many hours watching Netflix shows such as 'Making a Murderer' (seasons one and two) and 'The Staircase' that she now believes she is...

Police call handlers up and down the country have been inundated with calls from concerned citizens in relation to a bizzare new craze in which people stalk the streets dressed as a clown. Caroline Blunkett,...

A Rochdale man has been jailed for seven years for crimes against tea, it has been reported today. Steve Dickinson, 42 and a bit, was sentenced this morning after being found guilty of sixteen thousand...

Former East 17 Band member and serial own foot shooter Brian Harvey is said to be in trouble with the police over alleged malicious Tweeting. The runty Rottweiler once fronted the Poundland version of...

The notorious Rochdale Cowboy reached the end of the line yesterday when he and the rest of his 'Hole in the road' gang were caught red handed in a vape shop on Yorkshire Street. The...

Haunted hatstand Jacob Rees-Mogg has been forced to issue an apology today after he was snapped drinking mead on the night bus on Tuesday.  The outspoken Conservative MP and human impersonator stunned fellow night bus...

Television celebrity Basil Brush has been forced to reject allegations that he is responsible for the gruesome deaths of over 400 cats across London and the Home Counties.  Earlier today, the Metropolitan Police announced that it was...

The Conservative Party has surprised many by including a return of the death penalty in their election manifesto. Explaining the eye catching manifesto promise, Jacob Rees-Mogg said the following, "The country is over populated and the...

Jingle Bells My cell smells It's gloomy and its rank I only pissed some Muslims off Now I'm sitting in the tank. Hey Jingle Bells This is hell I don't think it's funny The Rochdale Herald sponsored me And are collecting lots of...

The Government have announced that gatherings of more than 6 people are to be banned. But what do you do if your "Company AGM" is raided by the fuzz? Here's our top tips if...

A new selection process has been announced for assigning judges to trials, taking into account both gender and aesthetics. This move will see all beautiful young women judged in future by ugly middle-aged women,...

The head of the Mafia, 4 Tony's Tony is definitely not part of the Mafia after a jury made up of members of the Mafia found him innocent yesterday. 4 Tony's lawyer told us, "My...

Two robbers who robbed Michael McIntyre are to receive an award for services to comedy following their actions. One of the two robbers, most recently seen in the front row at a Stewart Lee gig,...

The West: Well, Russia. What do have to say for yourself?  Russia: Vot? I don't know vot you are talking about.  The West: That missile! We investigated and found out it was a Russian missile,...