Following the largest known brawl on the streets of Britain in the post war period, Police have been given extra powers to “get tough” in South East London after a huge fight involving more than 100 schoolchildren. Violence flared in Northumberland Heath near Erith yesterday evening, with witnesses claiming scores of youths, some armed with knives and bats, took part in a mass brawl.

Announcing a comprehensive suite of measures Chief Inspector Eustace Box-Ticker said “The time for talking is over; I’m sorry but it’s time to get tough. We have asked for & been given special powers which we intend to use to the full.” These include;

· Asking kids to “Stop it”

· Telling them “That’s not a nice way to speak to a grown-up. Now please will you stop it?”

· Ramping it up to “If you don’t stop it, I’m going to have to ask you to leave”

· With a final resort of “Well have it your way, but what would your Mother say?”
Promising to return these Emergency powers when the situation has settled down CI Box-Ticker said “We are going to hit them & hit them hard with a leafleting campaign and back this up with new “Dress-Down Friday” Police Uniform T-Shirts – ‘Mass Brawls; No Thanks’….’Bad Behaviour – Not Me”….and if that won’t work, well I don’t know what will! He also said that a new Naughty Behaviour Tzar would be elected by local Youth groups on a Proportional Representation basis.
However opponents have already criticised the measures. Jeremy Corbyn said “This is a knee-jerk reaction of a Police State” whilst Dianne Abbott was concerned that these measures would directly target racial minorities. However local resident Bert Millichip, 72, said “Really? For Christ’s sake; are the lunatics running the fucking asylum? Whatever happened to nicking criminals and giving little shits a belt around the ear?” What indeed……….

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Quentin D Fortesqueue is a founding editor of The Rochdale Herald. Part time amateur narcissist and full time satirist Quentin is never happier than when playing his lute and drinking a full bodied Bordeaux. He rarely plays the lute and never gets to drink Bordeaux.