Top US officials today confirmed that security company G4S have been granted the contract to oversee all operations in the somewhat controversial detention centre Guantanamo Bay.

A spokesman for Guantanamo told us today that they have been considering numerous tenders to take control of the interrogation centre but after a recent working parties visit to Birmingham Prison, G4S had become the outstanding candidate to be granted the operation.

“We were at first a little unsure whether we should outsource our infamous brutal prison to someone from outside of the US but having seen the tremendous work done by G4S in Birmingham we knew it would be in very safe hands.”

“We always believed your English prisons to be quaint and soft with prisoners living the life of Riley inside them but having seen the absolutely appalling conditions in Birmingham with squalor and filth everywhere we are coming around to the idea that this could work, and then when we eventually made it to the prison itself that totally sealed the deal.”

“I mean they’ll have to sort out a system of giving our prisoners a lot less psychoactive drugs and the blood on the floor in the showers was a nice touch.”

“We’re actually considering just sending all our rendition victims to Birmingham rather than Guantanamo. If we can’t get them to talk there, they ain’t talking anywhere.”

G4S are expected to take over running all aspects of running the facility including waterboarding inmates.

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