Giggs Johnson (17) was found guilty of murdering his father at Rochdale Court yesterday. In an unusual move the foreman of the jury addressed the judge saying “to be honest, m’lud, we’d all have done the same.”

Sentencing Johnson to three weeks community service, the judge told him,

“This case has been extraordinarily harrowing and, to be perfectly frank, the most scandalous aspect was that it took you 17 years to top the fucker.”

During the trial, jurors were horrified to hear how the young man was routinely referred to as ‘the boy Giggs’ and ‘Giggsy, my son’. They also heard how on the fateful night Mr Johnson senior pleaded with the boy, claiming that he was responsible for the gravel in his gut and the spit in his eye, before the pair rolled around fighting in the mud and the blood and the beer.

The defence barrister Hugh Ancrie QC said, “The whole sorry story began when Mr Johnson’s father arrived at the christening ceremony pissed after a Manchester United match and decided to name the unwary child after a Welsh ball-hoofing sister-in-law shagger.

“I for one would certainly have twatted the bastard as soon as I could walk.”

Prosecuting, Brian Skeebete QC told the jury. “I have to ask you to find the defendant guilty, even though I too would have taken a lump hammer to my father if he’d called me Giggs.’

Giggs spoke after the case saying “I feel set free and will be changing my name to something less troublesome.

“‘Boris’ has a nice ring to it.  Or ‘Brexit’. Or ‘Adolf’. Or ‘Harrykane’.”