Two robbers who robbed Michael McIntyre are to receive an award for services to comedy following their actions.

One of the two robbers, most recently seen in the front row at a Stewart Lee gig, said “Stealing his watch was meant to be metaphor about how we feel after seeing 3 minutes of his stand-up, but I doubt he or any of his fans would understand the nuance of our actions and will probably be more interested in his story about how emasculating going to a garage can be for modern dads.”

In addition to a Rolex watch the pair got away with several broken house hold items.

Local resident Clammy Hinds said: “I am still in shock that this happened in our idyllic, Tory stronghold. It’s more of a Peckham sort of thing not the kind of thing you’d expect around here. People don’t vote Tory to be held up at gunpoint whilst on the school run. This is more of a domestic abuse, Tax Evasion and hedgerow disputes type of area.”

Fellow leafy suburbanite Clinton Emerald added: “I am not worried at all, I wouldn’t be seen dead in something so working class as a Range Rover. My Cayenne has voice recognition entry so unless any of those rap types plan on kidnapping Jack Whitehall as well then good luck to them trying to drive off with my motor.”

The police officer who helped on the case and wished to remain anonymous pleaded with the robbing community of London not to partake in such activities in future for risk of McIntyre being targeted again. “3 Hours he was in here giving a statement right up until the end of my shift. 3 Hours! I wouldn’t mind but he’s so used to being on the BBC that he finished at bang on 57 minutes past the hour meaning I can’t even claim any overtime pay for listening to him going on and on about how it’ll be easier to get into his car now he doesn’t have to rely on the keyless entry which apparently keeps on breaking for him, of course.”

The award ceremony will be held in the autumn and the pair will receive their award from Stephen Fry after he has made a series of knob jokes which everyone will agree is the height of wit.

Fact checked by Snopes; Plagiarised by Andrew Neil; Nancy Sinatra's favourite Rochdale satirist; sued by Chris Froome and winner of the 1922 Nobel Prize for Chemistry.* *Not all of these necessarily true.